“Why does every other pregnant mama-to-be seem to be (skinnier, more relaxed, confident, etc.) during pregnancy? Because Instagram is a highlight reel, put the phone down, glutton for punishment.”
– ME, Megan Jensen, every time I slow my scroll.
Have you ever followed a random account only to then follow dozens of others? That’s how this story starts.
Several months before starting his blog, I stumbled upon a beauty blogger and couldn’t stop following new lifestyle and beauty bloggers.
I’d watch dozens of IG stories every day from women in an industry I hadn’t yet admitted to myself I wanted to be in. Many of these women happened to be pregnant or new mothers as I started following them.
Once it became clear that I wanted to become a blogger, too, I understood why I started looking for patterns in how they used stories to serve their audience — and the best ones had me clicking on their new blog or buying a product they talked about without me even realizing they’d made a sale.
It was market research, I told myself, and so when I’d feel a little unsettled sometimes after scrolling, a lingering “not enough-ness”, it was easy to shrug off.
But when I got pregnant again and the pregnancy progressed to the second trimester for the first time… SUDDENLY THE VOLUME WENT UP.
The message was: she has something you don’t, and you need to buy X,Y,Z, product to get it OR you need to just generally step up your game, mama.
I’d look in the mirror at my newly upsized pajamas and faintly mascara-smeared eyes at 1 pm and really wonder about myself. What was I MISSING?
So as I started getting into the 20+ pound weight gain range late into my second trimester, suddenly I noticed a new thing — many of these women somehow kept their workout routines (and the figures to match) with a perfectly glossed smile on their faces complete with an outfit or accessories from their new collaboration line.
I’d look in the mirror at my newly upsized pajamas and faintly mascara-smeared eyes at 1 pm and really wonder about myself. What was I MISSING? And then it dawned on me… I’d slipped back into perfectionism.
What you focus on grows! I wrote a book about perfectionism and rewriting how you talk to yourself (sign up for my emails to get the book for free here) and here I was telling myself what a hot mess I was!
As I felt my son kick my belly button (a favorite of his after getting that sugar rush from mommy’s obsession with lemonade), it became clear — I’d been triggered by comparison and forgot who I was. And what amazing things my body was doing to nourish and grow my son.
So how do we stop comparing and start seeing a more accurate reflection of ourselves in the mirror? Here are the things that work for me to shift from perfectionism to peace (and away from the Cheez-Its, unless I really want them, in which case, it’s snack attack time and I’m sure my son appreciates it!)
I will never tell you to change your attitude because let’s face it — some days, when you’re reading about the ever-changing pandemic and bat-sh*t crazy politics then realize you don’t have your mask with you and you have to turn this dang car around, everything sucks! What I will tell you is that I recommend a change in FOCUS.
1. Focus on The Things Going Right in Your Pregnancy
Don’t worry, this goes a whole lot deeper than focusing on the positive and having an “attitude of gratitude”.
I will never tell you to change your attitude because let’s face it — some days, when you’re reading about the ever-changing pandemic and bat-sh*t crazy politics then realize you don’t have your mask with you and you have to turn this dang car around, everything sucks!
What I will tell you is that I recommend a change in FOCUS. Like I said above, what you give your attention to grows, and it’s easy to let ‘not enough’ feelings fill up your entire emotional bandwidth, a very scarce resource for many of us these days!
We only have so much space in our minds, and our day.
It’s human nature (ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW) to look for all the of the PROBLEMS, because there’s plenty to worry about.
I mean a virus that is called deadly one day, then not so bad the next, then deadly for pregnant women, then not so bad for MOST pregnant women the next…
Change the channel in your mind to something BETTER. Something more IMMEDIATE. The news can make you feel like death and destruction are at your doorstep. But they’re not.
Focus on what’s around you right now — are you in a cozy pair of slippers?
Are you sipping coffee on the couch you share with your spouse or maybe your favorite pet on the planet?
Are you in your dream house?
Are you healthy?
Carrying a pregnancy you didn’t know was possible?
When you look around you, you’ll see that the safety and security you’re looking for with all of that worry is actually right around you. And that at the end of the day, you wouldn’t want what anyone else has. And if something is missing for you, you can add it to your already abundant life.
Self-Reflection From This Section:
When I start to worry, what can I focus on that will make that worry seem much less immediate, much less important? What can I control right now?
For religious and/or spiritual readers, The Serenity Prayer is pretty amazing: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
2. Reframe The Way You Talk to Yourself
NONE of us have it together all the time. This is black and white thinking, and it gets us in a bunch of trouble because this is where our inner critic gets fueled by SHOULDS. If you’re thinking things like ‘I SHOULD be doing better because a woman pregnant with TWINS looks way skinnier and happier than I do’, or ‘I SHOULD be up out of bed already because Mel Robbins already ran a 5k and went to a yoga class by 7 am….’, you’re caught in the trap.
Let’s face it, bad days are bound to happen. This isn’t about saying they aren’t there. It’s about perspective and making sure that you’re comparing apples to apples.
If you’re comparing YOUR day-to-day with other people’s highlight reels and treating those two things as equivalents, THAT’S where the unnecessary pain comes in.
No one is going on Instagram to document their newest existential crisis or chipped nail polish… UNLESS it’s to sell you a solution or wrap it up in a nice bow so you know that, no — really — they do have it together.
But NONE of us have it together all the time. This is black and white thinking, and it gets us in a bunch of trouble because this is where our inner critic gets fueled by SHOULDS.
If you’re thinking things like ‘I SHOULD be doing better because a woman pregnant with TWINS looks way skinnier and happier than I do’, or ‘I SHOULD be up out of bed already because Mel Robbins already ran a 5k and went to a yoga class by 7 am…’, you’re caught in the trap.
So how do we tackle this comparison-game? We get to the bottom of how we are talking about our WORTH. In order to reframe the way you talk to yourself, you need to rewrite what you’re telling yourself. If you’re holding onto perfectionism, it likely looks a lot like this.
Excerpted from my book, Escaping Perfectionism: Writing Exercises for Healing.
“I’m going to make an assumption that you’ve at one point told yourself something similar to this (fill in the blanks with the words that describe your negative perfectionism story, known as a PS):
- When I achieve (X, Y or Z accomplishment, a certain social status, X amount of dollars, a level of achievement, etc.), THEN I will be worthy of (love, happiness, success, freedom, etc.).
- If I were less (heavy, lazy, stupid, scattered, tied down, busy), THEN I would be more (successful, happy, attractive, loved, popular, etc.).
- If I were more (thin, productive, focused, motivated, etc.), THEN I would be more (loved, popular, successful, beautiful, etc.).
What do all these have in common? They require EXTERNAL forces to give you the validation that should be coming from inside of you… It will never be enough because there will always be something MORE or BETTER you MUST achieve, be, or get rid of to be perfect and worthy of the love and happiness you thought your previous goal/ attitude was going to bring you.
Escpaing Perfectionism: Writing Exercises for Healing, By Megan Jensen
What do all these have in common? They require EXTERNAL forces to give you the validation that should be coming from inside of you. Your achievements, your strengths, and your weaknesses are something your perfectionism completely distorts for you.
Take that distortion and add your own negative mind’s guesses about what others think of you, and those statements above become a never-ending cycle of impossibility.
See, in this PS cycle, you get the BS of there always being ANOTHER dragon to slay after your initial “victory,” which will feel incredibly short-lived, if recognized at all.
It will never be enough because there will always be something MORE or BETTER you MUST achieve, be, or get rid of to be perfect and worthy of the love and happiness you thought your previous goal/ attitude was going to bring you.”
Self-Reflection From This Section:
What words of comfort can I provide to MYSELF to make me feel loved, or at a minimum, like I am enough, right now at this moment? If I’m seeking it from the outside, what is it I am hoping to get from it?
These are things we can give ourselves if we’re willing to take the time to talk to ourselves the same way we would our best friend. Worth a try.
3. Let What You’re Really Afraid of Talk & Listen
Strong negative or even lingering reactions to everyday events (like viewing Instagram Stories) are amazing opportunities to ask ourselves what our emotions are trying to tell us.
Because comparison gets us caught in a trap until we realize we were led to it by the bait of some sort of fear — and the vehicle it used to drive us there was some mix of shame, guilt, regret, jealousy, or a distant relative of any of those.
What are we feeling after the scroll that has us feeling so bad? Do we feel less fit? Less pretty? Less skinny? Less “together”? Are we trying to be Wonder Woman?
And do resulting negative feelings immediately send you into a self-criticizing tailspin that ends up being counterproductive to the things you were planning on doing before you saw someone else doing them “better?”
Usually these feelings are especially intense, and critical, when we struggle with perfectionism. And because it’s hard to get out of the Perfectionism Shame Train, preventative care is important.
In order to talk to your fear, you much catch it when it first comes up. That’s why it’s crucial to have a plan, Excerpted from my book, Escaping Perfectionism: Writing Exercises for Healing.
“Making a Plan for Protecting Yourself from Future Perfectionism Attacks
• Note your mood at least once daily. If you’re finding yourself feeling sluggish, unmotivated or negative in any way, do some journaling or meditation to get to the bottom of it. Chances are some critical self-talk from an old PS crept in there. At this point, spotting it will be pretty simple and replacing it with your empowering story almost automatic.
• Identify your triggers. Does visiting one certain family member take you back to a place you thought you were past? Do certain situations make you want to scream with anxiety or simply run as fast as you can in the opposite direction? Note these and be extra caring toward yourself when you MUST face these things. Acknowledge that this situation causes anxiety, then write down a plan for survival. Remind yourself of your new empowered story and visualize acting in a different way, choosing internal motivation instead of your external environment.
• Sleep when you are tired. PERIOD. I know everyone says this, and I could cite countless studies, but I am going to throw it back to you. Think of yourself after a good night’s sleep. Think of yourself after staying up all night cramming for an exam. Case closed.
• Have a supportive group of people around you: Whether it’s a group of friends, a therapist, family, a workshop of supportive women (like the ones hosted by this author, details available on TheStoryIsYours.com), or a combination of those, no man is an island. Your perfectionism isolated you in the past so the best way to counteract it is to reach out, ESPECIALLY when you don’t feel like it.
• Do one thing every day that you love and make it MANDATORY: It could be making your favorite latte and turning on some music, going to a yoga class, or meditating. Whatever it is, set aside a SET time for it and make it an appointment with yourself. Nothing sends the message (to yourself and others) that you are worthy of consideration, love and time like giving that to yourself, consistently. Don’t worry, it’ll become a habit in… well, it’ll become one soon enough.”
The bottom line is we can’t control what triggers us, but we can control how we respond.
Self-Reflection From This Section:
What does social media trigger for me? When these feelings rise up in me, what do I immediately think and feel in my body?
What can I tell myself to feel better and can I breathe into the tight spaces in my body to relax them?
Remember, the key to this is catching the feeling when it’s in its nagging, beginning stages.
Tell yourself you’re enough in your own words BEFORE fight or flight hits!
Don’t worry if you missed your window, give yourself love as you learn and you’ll find that window of opportunity to self-soothe just in time next time.
4. Get Clear on Your True Values Vs. Borrowed Ones
Ah. [I’m afraid of being] a bad mom… So it wasn’t about how her leggings fit or the way she seemed like she’d done more before 9 am than I would the whole day… Her productivity and my lack thereof, and the fact it bothered me so much, meant I thought being PERFECT at motherhood in my current definition (i.e. doing all the things) was what made a good mother.
On a particularly rough day fueled by insomnia and a half cup of decaf, I saw a bright and cheery influencer who was well into her third trimester.
She was the picture of everything pregnancy looks like in a magazine.
She was opening another business venture while I struggled to write half of an article due the next day. She was sneaking in a run while I had skipped my workouts intermittently since the beginning.
She wasn’t bloated or tired and she was 12 weeks ahead of me. I immediately felt SHAME. I mean big time. And the problem with shame is that, according to many a message from Brene Brown, shame is a different beast than guilt, because guilts says, “I did something bad”, and shame says, “I am bad”.
AND THE MESSAGE FROM MY INNER CRITIC TO ME WAS “YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BAD MOM IF YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP IT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW.”
Ah. A bad mom. There you have it. That was my true fear.
So it wasn’t about how her leggings fit or the way she seemed like she’d done more before 9 am than I would certainly be able to do the whole day (and she documented the whole thing!).
Her productivity and my lack thereof, and the fact it bothered me so much, meant I thought being PERFECT at motherhood in my current definition (i.e. doing all the things) was what made a good mother.
So where did I pick those things up anyway?
For me, I learned it in childhood.
There’s a lot of freedom in realizing you have a choice to change your habitual responses. There’s no time like to present to realize it.
My mom did the best she could but had health issues that made mornings, and many days for that matter, especially hard. So by the time school pick-up, drop-off and homework happened, the house was a complete mess, and we ended up in a mad-dash cleaning spree to hurry up and get the house looking “respectable” before my Dad got home.
This meant that at 4:50 every day, we were in mad-dash panic pickup mode for 10 minutes – and we all felt a lot of unavoidable shame each and every time even though it was totally avoidable with a little pre-planning. And maybe a little grace.
The message I got was that if you had a deficiency, you needed to hide it, and asking for help wasn’t okay, so you did it only when desperate, and it was a shameful thing to do.
What a brick! So how does a child make sense of a very heavy emotion? For me, I earned myself out of it. Achievement gave me my worth, told me I was worthy of love, etc.
Is this a kind (or accurate?!) way to treat my adult life today? No.
So what do I do now? I put the phone down AND I think twice about rushing to do the dishes before my husband gets home for lunch. He doesn’t expect it AND there’s always time to do it later in less of a rush.
Inhale. Exhale. I love this being an adult and getting to choose your own reality thing. It’s pretty great.
There’s a lot of freedom in realizing you have a choice to change your habitual responses. There’s no time like to present to realize it.
Getting to the bottom of which values are actually yours and which ones you’ve picked up from childhood is not only important now as a mama to be or a mom – but it’s the perfect time to get clear on them so that you work WITH yourself as one united front instead of against yourself.
Self-Reflection From This Section:
Do I really value (doing all the things, staying thin no matter what, having endless energy, etc.) or is that just something my parents/caregivers taught me to value? And what would I replace that value with?
Here’s a tip to getting good at compassionate self-talk, fast: If my best friend were becoming a mother and she was worried about getting it “right”, what would I say to her?
Major Takeaways for Ditching Comparison-itis
Make sure what you are doing and saying to yourself is something that TRULY resonates with you, not something you feel SHOULD resonate. This isn’t another “task”, it’s your life… Your values are just for you. That’s the best AND most frustrating part because only YOU know what the answers are.
Remember, YOU have the power to slow your scroll anytime you want. Take these FOUR comparison-caused perfectionism butt-kickers and run with them anytime you need them.
No matter what you do to counteract a comparison attack, it should be to make YOU feel at least hopeful if not downright giddy with excitement over making a more empowering decision.
(Totally get that something silly like getting giddy over self-help is not everyone’s style, just like I totally get that it’s mine).
Anytime you get stuck, it’s likely because you’re overthinking how you’re supposed to be feeling or talking to yourself (at least this is VERY true for me, I’m such an achiever, as many of us recovering perfectionists are).
So, make sure what you are doing and saying to yourself is something that TRULY resonates with you, not something you feel SHOULD resonate. This isn’t another “task”, it’s your life.
Aren’t sure if something resonates with you? Sit with yourself, think about how it feels – does it feel like it’s really YOUR value? Such as achievement. How does that feel? Is it constricting and stressful, or motivating and recharging?
It will be different for everyone. Maybe you value freedom more than achievement. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what rings true. Plus, by honoring it, you’ll probably get more done anyway!
Your values are just for you. That’s the best and hey, honestly, most frustrating part because only YOU know what the answers are.
Remember, they call it growing pains for a reason, find and stand tall in what you’re about. FOR YOU.
Plus, once you hone in on your true interests and values, you can enjoy following new social media accounts more aligned with your defined values.
And what if there’s still one account that you can’t help but feel bad about yourself after visiting? Mute, or hey, even better yet, Unfollow. Whew, that was easy!
Because you are Perfection, Mama! As-is.