Well, you have a clothing rack in your office so I’m pretty sure I know what I’m looking at…
-The prescriber who diagnosed me via Zoom (who also has ADHD so it’s cool)
You know when something big happens in your life and you think “This is it, everything has changed”? Before my ADHD diagnosis, I’d had that thought many times. It happened when I graduated from college. When I self-published my first book. When I got married. When I had my son.
Surely, these were the moments that would define my life. And they do. But what I’ve learned about a series of big life changes is that they’re not a one-time deal: many defining events become new chapters. Like bookmarks dividing two pages, a reminder of what came before it and what I’ll be reading next.
So here’s my latest bookmark: April 2022. That’s the month everything changed again and two new chapters started simultaneously with two simple conversations. Capped by these two statements:
“Hi Megan, Etsy, Inc. would like to offer you the UX Copywriter contract role… are you still interested, and when can you start?“
And…
“Well, you have a clothing rack in your office so I’m pretty sure I know what I’m looking at, but let’s continue the assessment to go through the formal process [of diagnosing you with ADHD]…“
My ADHD diagnosis revealed that I am worthy, my struggles real
Suddenly, two of my longest-running life questions were answered (naturally, they contradict each other):
- When will I get my big break? I know I have what it takes so preparation has to meet opportunity!
- Am I worthy of my dreams? Because there has to be something deeply wrong with me.
Does question two both shock and resonate with you? You are not alone. My ADHD diagnosis at 35 finally gave me a reason for so many of my struggles, and a huge wave of self-compassion. Instant? No. Powerful? Yes.
If you were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult (or are thinking you might have ADHD) you’ve likely internalized a lot of negative messages. For me, they came up enough times (both said and implied) that I saw them as personal flaws. As a recovering 😉 perfectionist, the answer was to “achieve” my way out of those labels to prove they weren’t true. To feel worthy. I had 35 years to do this so got pretty creative!
Negative labels had me masking who I was—now I can breathe!
Here are a few labels my undiagnosed ADHD had me believing since childhood (more in a future blog):
- I’m scatterbrained/a space cadet: My life felt like a constant pop quiz. I woke up behind. I was constantly exhausted… sometimes up until 3 am writing a research paper I’d put off for three weeks. I forgot the names of people I just met at church, and also the cookies for the bake sale…
How I compensated: I made remembering things high stakes, berating myself if I forgot anything. I constantly questioned myself and my actions, i.e. “Should I have said that?” “What am I forgetting?” - Left to my own devices, I’m a lazy slob: How was my week? Check my room for the size of the clothing mountain on the floor. My high school (and college years) were secretly a mess. Where is my homework? The paper mountain monster in my backpack ate it… ‘Go fish’ was not a card game…
How I compensated: When still at home, I stuffed my clothes into the corner or under my bed. Later, into my closet. As for paper piles, they turned into piles of files on my desktop… not as big of a deal. - Everyone else seems to be getting something I’m not: “You always make things so much more complicated than they are.” “Why do you make things a bigger deal?” “Why are you so sensitive?” “Did you listen to anything I just said?” There seemed to be a secret code, a certain formula for living, a magic elixir of focus, balance and societal ease that I somehow kept daydreaming past.
How I compensated: I avoided people and friendships at the first sign of rejection, often feeling criticized, demoralized, and deeply disliked. Later I learned this was Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
Self-compassion: the silver ling in a late ADHD diagnosis
These things used to feel like deep character flaws… until I realized this was how my brain worked. Self-compassion has been the greatest gift of all from this. Especially as I got up and running at my dream job. Some days I still find myself trying to “achieve” my way out of something, and gently guide myself back.
While I am so proud of how far I’ve come since my initial diagnosis last spring, this is not an “I’ve cracked the code” blog. There are times I’m still hard on myself, where I still try to achieve myself out of hard feelings, where I’m still a bit of a perfectionist… but the beauty of it is I’m openly accepting and learning more about myself and what I need to best function. And how to show myself compassion along the way.
One thing I want to clear up is something I asked myself a lot in the beginning—how did I not know before age 35? And how did I do what it took to land my dream job if I struggled so hard with ADHD? The best answer I have to this question actually comes from someone else, someone I deeply admire.
On my path to my own diagnosis, I ran across this video from Mel Robbins. She’s a successful podcast host, author, motivational speaker, and former lawyer. She believes she is part of a lost generation of women who didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until later in life. She wasn’t diagnosed until age 47. Like me, she was diagnosed with other things when she was younger. For me it was anxiety and depression, and this happens for many women with ADHD. That’s because we often internalize these things!
New to an ADD diagnosis? Some handy resources:
So if you feel like you’re scattered, disorganized, forgetful (like me forgetting names or birthdays), easily distracted during everyday tasks, and maybe even have/had trouble with feeling socially excluded or rejected, you’ve come to the right place! I was right where you are, and not so long ago.
Do you think you might have ADD? Here are a few things I read and looked at that helped me:
- All things ADDitude, an ADHD magazine, community, and website. I took the Adult ADHD test but the most helpful thing for me was reading articles written by other people with ADHD.
- I can’t say enough about how knowing that someone I admire so much, Mel Robbins, has ADHD, and hearing her talk about her late diagnosis helped me in the beginning. I also love her podcast.
- I’ve read many books (and bought many more). Here are two to start with I know you’ll read/use: Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder and this Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are.
- Of course talking to my doctor, finding an ADHD specialist, and medication has been so helpful. I live in a remote place so found a therapist on Lyra. (No referral code just wanted to give a shoutout!)
If you’ve made it this far, you probably don’t have ADHD… just kidding. Thanks for finding it so interesting. Trust me, I’ll be hyperfocusing on many an ADHD-related blog topic to come! Until next time, remember, you are perfection! Just the way you are.
Megan
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